It is 12:24 am on Saturday, and I am sitting in a hotel room in the middle of East Texas, up and blogging when I should be sleeping. As many of you know, and to those that don't my little (6'5" 225lb) brother got in a serious car accident last Saturday. Since then, there have been many emotional highs and lows. Currently it looks as though things are very positive, but at the same time he will be in ICU until at least the end of the weekend. This week has been a blur of activity and emotion, as we wait for Jake to get stable enough to move to a room. Right now I am a tad tired, and spiritually at a lower point than usual. I am in a tired state, and from that those everyday trials seem to be gaining strength and size day by day. I feel incredibly blessed at the amazing miracles the Lord has already blessed my family with through the situation, and am still in great anticipation of all that could come out of such a tragic event. There has been an outpouring of love all around my brother for a stream of almost seven straight days, and it does my heart so much good to see Christ touching my family through those who love Him.
I have never been through anything as serious as this before, and from it I have tried to observe as much as I could, and learn as much as I could. One thing that has struck me is the intense pain and agony I felt last Sunday at the thought of the intense pain (physically, emotinally, and spiritually) that my brother had endured through the night. Without going into details, I will say that it was probably a life changing experience. As I sat and heard him describe the accident, the lonely hours afterwards, and the moments leading to the surgery, I just sat heart broken at the trial he had to face that night. As I sat reflecting over his experience the Lord really helped me find peace about it all, and since then I have been rather optimistic of all the many things the Lord could do through all of this.
On the other side of the equation I have had a very interesting week spiritually. I feel that my fatigue and emotional state are certainly amplifying many usually minor trials that I face on a pretty regular basis. Right now, patience and anger are two that I am battling much more than usual. Its not that I feel angry or impatient with the Lord, it is just that everyday situations are becoming somewhat more of an issue than usual: one example would be traffic on the drive down this afternoon. I guess not sleeping enough, not eating well, and not getting enough quiet time are all part of the equation, but I also feel like this is a way for me to truly work on some areas that are otherwise ignored when there is less stress involved. Patience is not something which I claim to have a whole whole lot of, although since really starting to walk with the Lord I have made vast improvements, and at this point I find that I am really in a place to focus on the times when I am being impatient and learn to wait and navigate through the circumstance before just reacting.
I am ready to see my brother tomorrow, ( I havnt seen him since Tuesday), and really hope that he is less medicated this weekend in order to be able to encourage him. He is making great progress in his healing, and I have decided that his new nickname will be Superman. (I even tried to convince him to get a S tatooed on his chest). One thing about it, I love the big lug. He is one of a kind, and he has a great heart. If he ever reads this part he will probably punch me or something like that, but hey, its worth it. I hope everyone has a great weekend, and please keep ole jake in your prayers......
Friday, July 28, 2006
Friday, July 21, 2006
To the ladies out there
As I sat in Subway today, I noticed a pair of girls sitting in the booth next to me. One thing struck me about them, they were seeking belonging and acceptance,....pure and simple. Both looked to be in their late teens, early twenties, and by the way they were dressed, I could see that their idea of how they would acquire this acceptance was one that the world was telling them was correct. Now my heart really hurts for them, as for all women, that are growing in an age where looks, beauty, clothing, and all out appearance is the indicator for self-worth, self-esteem, and belonging. I hate it! Oh and guys, guess what?, most of this problem has occurred, not because of the female aspect of society, but because of, you guessed it...us! Now before you quit reading with the idea that this is some sort of judgmental soapbox rant on my part, give me a few more lines to explain what I am feeling.
Ladies, let me try to clarify something here. Your worth has never been, and will never be based on the way you look, dress, or appear to people in this world (whether in attracting men, or gaining the praise of women). This is what I hope is understood through this blog. YOU ARE SPECIAL, JUST THE WAY YOU ARE. You were created perfectly by our Father above, and there is none like you on this Earth. There is no need to try to amplify your beauty through clothes, make-up, or anything else. Your beauty will radiate from within you, if you simply allow it to.
1 Peter States: "Do not let your adorning be external-the braiding of hair, the wearing of gold, or the putting on of clothing-but let your adorning be the hidden person of the heart with the imperishable beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which in God's sight is very precious." 1 Peter 3:3-4
and
Proverbs 31:30 says, " Charm is deceitful and beauty is vain, but a woman who fears the Lord is to be praised"
You see, beauty is inside you from your faith in the Lord, and you know what? He created you in a way in which only you can show your faith to Him in that way. Each Christian belongs to the Body of Christ, and each piece of the body is beautifully and wonderfully made. Each piece serves a beautiful and unique purpose that only that one piece can fill. You are accepted, and belong to His Body, and the beauty that shows from you is the beauty that is seen when you are worshipping him as that part of the body for which you were created. Loving Him and following Him lets this inward beauty poor out to others all around. They see the beauty of your light shining before men, and give glory to your Lord. How awesome and beautiful is that!
I don't begin to sit in a place where I feel like I can understand the emotion and pressure you feel each day, but I do say this: You are loved by the Lord and by all your brothers and sisters for just that, being a brother and sister. There is no need to feel like you must do anything other than love Him and the others around you, for everyone to see how awesomely beautiful, unique, and wonderful you are.
1 Corinthians 12:14-26
You are Special!
Ladies, let me try to clarify something here. Your worth has never been, and will never be based on the way you look, dress, or appear to people in this world (whether in attracting men, or gaining the praise of women). This is what I hope is understood through this blog. YOU ARE SPECIAL, JUST THE WAY YOU ARE. You were created perfectly by our Father above, and there is none like you on this Earth. There is no need to try to amplify your beauty through clothes, make-up, or anything else. Your beauty will radiate from within you, if you simply allow it to.
1 Peter States: "Do not let your adorning be external-the braiding of hair, the wearing of gold, or the putting on of clothing-but let your adorning be the hidden person of the heart with the imperishable beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which in God's sight is very precious." 1 Peter 3:3-4
and
Proverbs 31:30 says, " Charm is deceitful and beauty is vain, but a woman who fears the Lord is to be praised"
You see, beauty is inside you from your faith in the Lord, and you know what? He created you in a way in which only you can show your faith to Him in that way. Each Christian belongs to the Body of Christ, and each piece of the body is beautifully and wonderfully made. Each piece serves a beautiful and unique purpose that only that one piece can fill. You are accepted, and belong to His Body, and the beauty that shows from you is the beauty that is seen when you are worshipping him as that part of the body for which you were created. Loving Him and following Him lets this inward beauty poor out to others all around. They see the beauty of your light shining before men, and give glory to your Lord. How awesome and beautiful is that!
I don't begin to sit in a place where I feel like I can understand the emotion and pressure you feel each day, but I do say this: You are loved by the Lord and by all your brothers and sisters for just that, being a brother and sister. There is no need to feel like you must do anything other than love Him and the others around you, for everyone to see how awesomely beautiful, unique, and wonderful you are.
1 Corinthians 12:14-26
You are Special!
Friday, July 14, 2006
Running on little sleep is interesting
This week has been one in which I have not hit the pillow before 1:00 am every morning. For some reason circumstances are just dictating that sleep is not a priority this week. This is not necessarily a bad thing, other than I feel that keeping a clear head is at times a tad more difficult.
Test and trials can come in all shapes and sizes, fatigue is certainly one which can test me, along with hunger, and loneliness. Its funny how after a few days of limited sleep, that small problems can suddenly seem much bigger than they actually are. When I take a moment and step back to look at the situation, I usually find that my first instinct to overreact was driven by a stimulus such as being tired (although that sounds somewhat ironic). Focus seems to fade in and out a little quicker, and my mind wants to start wondering around those anxiety driven thoughts and feelings. As always I grit my teeth, and fight my flesh. In reality it really is an actual fight sometimes, Paul says in 1 Corinthians that, "I discipline my body and keep it under control" 10:17 . As my walk goes on, I think about the battle in this way:
It's me battling myself. My natural flesh wants to do evil right? My soul is wanting with all I have to serve God righteously. Thus, internally at any one time one of these two Josh's is trying to win control of what comes from my thoughts and actions. Sometimes the righteousness is winning, and sometimes the flesh is winning. But the amazing thing is that through the Word, Prayer, and Community with other believers, there is training going on for the righteous side of me. Whereas, when I choose to sin, and make decisions based on the World or my flesh, I am in effect training my flesh. The battle will always be going on while I am on this Earth, but I have a choice as to which side I want to train, strengthen and build up. Making the wrong choice in this area can bring a lot of pain, and darkness. Making the right choice can bring a lot of joy, peace, and contentment.
The bottom line is that when I am tired, although one side has hopefully been built up more than the other, I must rely all the more on the Lord to help me battle. Just like an army troop that have been fighting day in and day out, the weariness can begin to take a toll on the battle. So I try to cling all the tighter to Him in the moments where I know I am weakening, and tiring.
One thing is for sure, one of the biggest blessings in my life was getting to a point where I even realized that there was a battle raging inside me each day. From there the ability to fight and push forward begins to take on a whole new meaning....
Test and trials can come in all shapes and sizes, fatigue is certainly one which can test me, along with hunger, and loneliness. Its funny how after a few days of limited sleep, that small problems can suddenly seem much bigger than they actually are. When I take a moment and step back to look at the situation, I usually find that my first instinct to overreact was driven by a stimulus such as being tired (although that sounds somewhat ironic). Focus seems to fade in and out a little quicker, and my mind wants to start wondering around those anxiety driven thoughts and feelings. As always I grit my teeth, and fight my flesh. In reality it really is an actual fight sometimes, Paul says in 1 Corinthians that, "I discipline my body and keep it under control" 10:17 . As my walk goes on, I think about the battle in this way:
It's me battling myself. My natural flesh wants to do evil right? My soul is wanting with all I have to serve God righteously. Thus, internally at any one time one of these two Josh's is trying to win control of what comes from my thoughts and actions. Sometimes the righteousness is winning, and sometimes the flesh is winning. But the amazing thing is that through the Word, Prayer, and Community with other believers, there is training going on for the righteous side of me. Whereas, when I choose to sin, and make decisions based on the World or my flesh, I am in effect training my flesh. The battle will always be going on while I am on this Earth, but I have a choice as to which side I want to train, strengthen and build up. Making the wrong choice in this area can bring a lot of pain, and darkness. Making the right choice can bring a lot of joy, peace, and contentment.
The bottom line is that when I am tired, although one side has hopefully been built up more than the other, I must rely all the more on the Lord to help me battle. Just like an army troop that have been fighting day in and day out, the weariness can begin to take a toll on the battle. So I try to cling all the tighter to Him in the moments where I know I am weakening, and tiring.
One thing is for sure, one of the biggest blessings in my life was getting to a point where I even realized that there was a battle raging inside me each day. From there the ability to fight and push forward begins to take on a whole new meaning....
Thursday, July 13, 2006
Don't Really Know What to Say.
I realized that I haven't blogged in almost a week, so thought I would try to get something down. I don't really have anything to say right now so this may not be the best post in the world. Its been a very emotional week, and that may be why at this moment Im really without words.
One thing I can say is that the Lord continues to show me his faithfulness. I sit and realize that every new trial is another chance for me to grow in some way that is not expected or necessarily understood. Earlier today I thought about the apostles, and how they were so glad to suffer for the sake of Christ, to be deemed worthy to endure such persecution and pain to glorify the Lord. As I thought of this I realized that they were happy and joyful because they understood that the Lord allowed the persecution to happen to them, because He knew that they were strong enough in Him to handle it. How awesome of a thought, that the Lord knew them so well, and gave them the opportunity to suffer in ways that others never will for Him, because He knew they would endure and glorify Him. So they counted it a blessing to experience pain in the fact that they knew the Lord knew they would be able to handle the pain and suffering and still contribute all praise to Him. I know this is a tad repetitive, my mind is not functioning on all 4 cylinders right now.
Continue to be strong fellow brothers and sisters, as Romans states
"For I consider the sufferings of this present time are not worth comparing with the glory that is to be revealed to us." 8: 18
Lets continue to sing His praises when it hurts, Lets continue to bow our heads in thankfulness when we are without, Lets keep stepping towards His light in the darkness, and Lets always hold fast to the one constant above all....Christ.
We are in a race, lets run with all we have towards the prize, so that when we look back on this "minor suffering" of a worldly state, we can stand up and praise the Lord for all He accomplished through us as broken vessels that are unworthy to hold the Love that overflows from us.....
"...forgetting what lies behind and straining forward to what lies ahead, I press on towards the goal for the PRIZE, of the upward call of God in Christ Jesus." Philippians 13-14
One thing I can say is that the Lord continues to show me his faithfulness. I sit and realize that every new trial is another chance for me to grow in some way that is not expected or necessarily understood. Earlier today I thought about the apostles, and how they were so glad to suffer for the sake of Christ, to be deemed worthy to endure such persecution and pain to glorify the Lord. As I thought of this I realized that they were happy and joyful because they understood that the Lord allowed the persecution to happen to them, because He knew that they were strong enough in Him to handle it. How awesome of a thought, that the Lord knew them so well, and gave them the opportunity to suffer in ways that others never will for Him, because He knew they would endure and glorify Him. So they counted it a blessing to experience pain in the fact that they knew the Lord knew they would be able to handle the pain and suffering and still contribute all praise to Him. I know this is a tad repetitive, my mind is not functioning on all 4 cylinders right now.
Continue to be strong fellow brothers and sisters, as Romans states
"For I consider the sufferings of this present time are not worth comparing with the glory that is to be revealed to us." 8: 18
Lets continue to sing His praises when it hurts, Lets continue to bow our heads in thankfulness when we are without, Lets keep stepping towards His light in the darkness, and Lets always hold fast to the one constant above all....Christ.
We are in a race, lets run with all we have towards the prize, so that when we look back on this "minor suffering" of a worldly state, we can stand up and praise the Lord for all He accomplished through us as broken vessels that are unworthy to hold the Love that overflows from us.....
"...forgetting what lies behind and straining forward to what lies ahead, I press on towards the goal for the PRIZE, of the upward call of God in Christ Jesus." Philippians 13-14
Friday, July 07, 2006
My Generation
As I write this, I am sitting at my Nene and Pappaw's computer in Beaumont Texas on Friday Afternoon. I had a long drive home last night, and from it came plenty of time to think and reflect.
On my mind is the subject of gen. xer's and gen. yer's (My Generation) and our complete complacency at times to anything outside ourselves. My heart has been burdened as of late for the 20 something crowd and the intense hurt, and pain I see all around me. We are a generation that came long after man set foot on the moon, but had been around a few years before the startling world changing movement of the internet. We have seen communism fall, (although many of us were pre-teens when the wall came down), and have been through two different wars in the Middle East. We have more opportunity to explore, innovate, and communicate than any generation before us, and have more luxuries, and amenities than some kings of the world's past. The world is our oyster, and we have the tools to find the pearl. Yet, with all this opportunity, and with all this freedom, at the core of us we are hurting, angry, bitter, and confused. The many promises of happiness we have been told we would find have been shattered along the paths of growing up. Most of us have never experienced nuclear families, have never known a world where it was expected to actually know, and be friends with your neighbors, or have known life without the ever present medium of television. Here we are, all grown up, a quarter of the way through our lives, and yet are just as misguided, and child like as we were a decade before.
My thoughts form around a statistic that I heard last week, in our generation we can boast that less than 20% of us our Bible based Christians. Surely this has something to do with the struggles that seem to be a common thread among us in this nation.
Inside my heart I think of the response that is sometimes given when the idea of Christ is presented.....
" Ive got it all figured out, Ive been to church, and I did the salvation thing with I was a kid. I don't need to open that Bible anymore, I don't need to bow my head and pray anymore. I have been there, done that, and my life is not what was promised to me when I made that decision! I did not find peace and happiness then, and I still don't have it now"
"Im grown, I make my own decisions, I choose my own path, and I am making it, Im on my way to happiness, Im on my way to peace, and there is nothing, nothing that is going to stop me. I can only rely on me, and I am the only one who wont let me down."
"My parents divorced when I was a kid, my first love left me heart broken, My friends want to help, but are too caught up in there own vices. I have struggled with OCD, Anxiety, Depression, and Anorexia, and still have to battle them daily. I don't have true peace, and I have come to the realization that I will never have it. I can only make another step each day to reach the idolized dream of American success, with a hope in myself that one day when I have struggled enough, all the pieces of the puzzle will come together and I will at last be happy!"
"So, as for serving Christ, that is fine if that is what you want to do, I hope it goes well for you, but don't ask me to serve him, because I already know that it is not the answer for me, and I already know that I am really on the right path, after all Im a good person, I don't steal, I don't lie (much), hey I even gave some money to a homeless guy the other day. I know what I need to make it, and as long as Im "normal" why would I begin seeking after someone who Im not even able to physically see? I prayed the prayer, I did that thing, Im good, and now Im living my life the best that I know how, and things are not easy. If God really cared about me,then I would have everything I ever wanted, and wouldn't hurt so much on the inside. I don't believe he can take it away, I don't believe anyone can. I just have to deal with it as best I can and one day its all going to go away"
Sound Familiar!
Yea, I think in some way or another we can all relate to this way of thinking. To those of you out there who have been walking close to the Lord, this may seem like a distant memory from the past, but I think underneath it all some of this tormented thinking may sound familiar.
So what then? What do we do with "My Generation"? Well, I pray that for one, we begin to pray for it. Two, I know that the Lord is literally hurting to death over our pain, and is wanting so much for us to choose Him. He knows our suffering better than we do, He has experienced everything and more. What do we do then? Those of us in that place where we can say we have peace, and overcome the world, what do we do? Do we sit back and absorb this peace, and do nothing? Sometimes I think that we get so involved and engrossed in the peace that we now experience that in reality, we do nothing more times than not. I myself am severely guilty of this.
I thought on the drive home last night, about the agony my life was in before I met Christ and began walking close to him. I began to try to go back and feel the utter chaos that was once so familiar. I remembered the many days of internal confusion in which I was sure there was no hope for freedom, there was no hope for peace, and I began to see that this is the place where so many of us are today.
We have been deceived into thinking "IT IS ALL ABOUT ME" to the extent that the idea of God is actually secondary. We have a difficult time giving it all to Him because we don't really believe He is bigger or more important than us.
Why is it that we can go through our lives living in such deception? Because.......in the world around us, we have so many things to take His place. In the moments of the most intense hurt, we can drown Him out with TV, alcohol, the opposite sex, internet, video games, text messaging, traveling, ANYTHING! Instead of turning to Him, we turn on the music, we turn on the movies, we open the next pop up window. For a very short moment our thoughts drift from the immediate hurt that we don't want to face, and for a very short moment we are deceived into thinking we have acquired the long awaited freedom that we have searched so hard for. Alas, this is but for a moment, and then, chaos begins once again.
So what is the bottom line? What does this whole blog mean? What am I trying to say? and Most importantly what is the solution?
One word
Christ.
For 23 years I thought I knew Him.......For 23 years I thought I had him "all figured out", but what I have felt, seen, and been given over the past two years is an actual relationship with Him. I have found that I love Him more than any person on this Earth, I love Him more than anything,.........BUT THIS IS THE CRUX.... I LOVE HIM MORE THAN I LOVE MYSELF!(Sometihing I had no idea I was guilty of for such a long time) For 23 years I didn't really know Jesus, but fooled myself into thinking that I did. Only when I got to the point where the hurt, the pain ,and agony where more than I believed I could handle, did I finally, finally give it to HIM. Let it go, gave my life away, and let Him be the most important Thing, even above myself. I realized I couldn't control everything, and for that matter, anything. I was not in control, and I was not ever in control.
On top of that, I found that He loved me in a way that I had never known existed. There was absolute, and complete acceptance, and mercy and GRACE, OH THE GRACE!!!! He loved me for me, he loved everything about me, he loved me without any expectation for me to love Him back. What a love. So secure, so accepting, so unconditional.Something I had wanted for so long. When I let Him have my life, I couldn't help but try to give him as much as I could back. Suddenly, I just wanted to thank Him for giving me peace, to thank Him for giving me life more abundantly. FOR KNOWING THAT HE UNDERSTOOD ME! OH HOW I LONGED TO BE UNDERSTOOD! I began to realize that my life is for Him, for His glory,...... and all these issues that I was hurting and struggling with started to take on a new perspective,......I finally realized that there isn't anything wrong with me, I was created this way by Him, for a special purpose which only I can fulfill FOR HIM! ALL I have to do is be willing to let go of ME!!!
I know this is a bit long, and probably even somewhat confusing, but it is really on my heart right now. Our lives were not created for us! If we can just understand that, absorb that into everything we do, then we find the peace, and joy that we long for. Why is this? Because we are doing the one thing we were created for,..... to glorify the LORD! NOT OURSELVES!!!! Its all about Him, from the minutest detail to the most complicated problem, Him, Him, Him! When I found that perspective, my life changed forever!
On my mind is the subject of gen. xer's and gen. yer's (My Generation) and our complete complacency at times to anything outside ourselves. My heart has been burdened as of late for the 20 something crowd and the intense hurt, and pain I see all around me. We are a generation that came long after man set foot on the moon, but had been around a few years before the startling world changing movement of the internet. We have seen communism fall, (although many of us were pre-teens when the wall came down), and have been through two different wars in the Middle East. We have more opportunity to explore, innovate, and communicate than any generation before us, and have more luxuries, and amenities than some kings of the world's past. The world is our oyster, and we have the tools to find the pearl. Yet, with all this opportunity, and with all this freedom, at the core of us we are hurting, angry, bitter, and confused. The many promises of happiness we have been told we would find have been shattered along the paths of growing up. Most of us have never experienced nuclear families, have never known a world where it was expected to actually know, and be friends with your neighbors, or have known life without the ever present medium of television. Here we are, all grown up, a quarter of the way through our lives, and yet are just as misguided, and child like as we were a decade before.
My thoughts form around a statistic that I heard last week, in our generation we can boast that less than 20% of us our Bible based Christians. Surely this has something to do with the struggles that seem to be a common thread among us in this nation.
Inside my heart I think of the response that is sometimes given when the idea of Christ is presented.....
" Ive got it all figured out, Ive been to church, and I did the salvation thing with I was a kid. I don't need to open that Bible anymore, I don't need to bow my head and pray anymore. I have been there, done that, and my life is not what was promised to me when I made that decision! I did not find peace and happiness then, and I still don't have it now"
"Im grown, I make my own decisions, I choose my own path, and I am making it, Im on my way to happiness, Im on my way to peace, and there is nothing, nothing that is going to stop me. I can only rely on me, and I am the only one who wont let me down."
"My parents divorced when I was a kid, my first love left me heart broken, My friends want to help, but are too caught up in there own vices. I have struggled with OCD, Anxiety, Depression, and Anorexia, and still have to battle them daily. I don't have true peace, and I have come to the realization that I will never have it. I can only make another step each day to reach the idolized dream of American success, with a hope in myself that one day when I have struggled enough, all the pieces of the puzzle will come together and I will at last be happy!"
"So, as for serving Christ, that is fine if that is what you want to do, I hope it goes well for you, but don't ask me to serve him, because I already know that it is not the answer for me, and I already know that I am really on the right path, after all Im a good person, I don't steal, I don't lie (much), hey I even gave some money to a homeless guy the other day. I know what I need to make it, and as long as Im "normal" why would I begin seeking after someone who Im not even able to physically see? I prayed the prayer, I did that thing, Im good, and now Im living my life the best that I know how, and things are not easy. If God really cared about me,then I would have everything I ever wanted, and wouldn't hurt so much on the inside. I don't believe he can take it away, I don't believe anyone can. I just have to deal with it as best I can and one day its all going to go away"
Sound Familiar!
Yea, I think in some way or another we can all relate to this way of thinking. To those of you out there who have been walking close to the Lord, this may seem like a distant memory from the past, but I think underneath it all some of this tormented thinking may sound familiar.
So what then? What do we do with "My Generation"? Well, I pray that for one, we begin to pray for it. Two, I know that the Lord is literally hurting to death over our pain, and is wanting so much for us to choose Him. He knows our suffering better than we do, He has experienced everything and more. What do we do then? Those of us in that place where we can say we have peace, and overcome the world, what do we do? Do we sit back and absorb this peace, and do nothing? Sometimes I think that we get so involved and engrossed in the peace that we now experience that in reality, we do nothing more times than not. I myself am severely guilty of this.
I thought on the drive home last night, about the agony my life was in before I met Christ and began walking close to him. I began to try to go back and feel the utter chaos that was once so familiar. I remembered the many days of internal confusion in which I was sure there was no hope for freedom, there was no hope for peace, and I began to see that this is the place where so many of us are today.
We have been deceived into thinking "IT IS ALL ABOUT ME" to the extent that the idea of God is actually secondary. We have a difficult time giving it all to Him because we don't really believe He is bigger or more important than us.
Why is it that we can go through our lives living in such deception? Because.......in the world around us, we have so many things to take His place. In the moments of the most intense hurt, we can drown Him out with TV, alcohol, the opposite sex, internet, video games, text messaging, traveling, ANYTHING! Instead of turning to Him, we turn on the music, we turn on the movies, we open the next pop up window. For a very short moment our thoughts drift from the immediate hurt that we don't want to face, and for a very short moment we are deceived into thinking we have acquired the long awaited freedom that we have searched so hard for. Alas, this is but for a moment, and then, chaos begins once again.
So what is the bottom line? What does this whole blog mean? What am I trying to say? and Most importantly what is the solution?
One word
Christ.
For 23 years I thought I knew Him.......For 23 years I thought I had him "all figured out", but what I have felt, seen, and been given over the past two years is an actual relationship with Him. I have found that I love Him more than any person on this Earth, I love Him more than anything,.........BUT THIS IS THE CRUX.... I LOVE HIM MORE THAN I LOVE MYSELF!(Sometihing I had no idea I was guilty of for such a long time) For 23 years I didn't really know Jesus, but fooled myself into thinking that I did. Only when I got to the point where the hurt, the pain ,and agony where more than I believed I could handle, did I finally, finally give it to HIM. Let it go, gave my life away, and let Him be the most important Thing, even above myself. I realized I couldn't control everything, and for that matter, anything. I was not in control, and I was not ever in control.
On top of that, I found that He loved me in a way that I had never known existed. There was absolute, and complete acceptance, and mercy and GRACE, OH THE GRACE!!!! He loved me for me, he loved everything about me, he loved me without any expectation for me to love Him back. What a love. So secure, so accepting, so unconditional.Something I had wanted for so long. When I let Him have my life, I couldn't help but try to give him as much as I could back. Suddenly, I just wanted to thank Him for giving me peace, to thank Him for giving me life more abundantly. FOR KNOWING THAT HE UNDERSTOOD ME! OH HOW I LONGED TO BE UNDERSTOOD! I began to realize that my life is for Him, for His glory,...... and all these issues that I was hurting and struggling with started to take on a new perspective,......I finally realized that there isn't anything wrong with me, I was created this way by Him, for a special purpose which only I can fulfill FOR HIM! ALL I have to do is be willing to let go of ME!!!
I know this is a bit long, and probably even somewhat confusing, but it is really on my heart right now. Our lives were not created for us! If we can just understand that, absorb that into everything we do, then we find the peace, and joy that we long for. Why is this? Because we are doing the one thing we were created for,..... to glorify the LORD! NOT OURSELVES!!!! Its all about Him, from the minutest detail to the most complicated problem, Him, Him, Him! When I found that perspective, my life changed forever!
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